Late Again

I just finished 5 and a half hours of contract work (after a regular 9 hour day at the office). While it is late now, and I will definitely be skipping swim class in the AM, yet again, I'm bolstered by thinking about that paycheck that these hours will add up to.

It's that eerie-quiet late time between 2AM and 5AM when absolutely nothing is moving outside and the humm of the electrical appliances is my only company. I'd like to crawl into bed, but I want to write about something that's been on my mind.

A couple of days ago, I started reading a book called A History of God. I haven't gotten much further than a few pages past the introduction and into the first chapter. Mostly, from what I can tell, it's a history of the three major monotheistic faiths, written by a former Nun who may or may not actually believe in the existence of God (and I always feel weird when I capitalize that, and equally, but differently weird when I do not). A theme that has been touched upon already in the book, is the idea that the concept of a single, all-powerful, ubiquitous God was, perhaps, not revolutionized by Judaism, but was the natural way humanity thinks about deism, and something that we'd believed in before we temporarily switched over to this multi-god thing.

Problem with the One God is that he's really just too big for us to comprehend. People needed something that they could relate to everyday, so they made up the little gods. It was then suggested that, despite modern religions' attempt to make a single creator more comprehensible, we are beginning to slip away, once again, from our ability to relate. Relating to God, the author argues, must be done on a personal level-- an idea backed up by many religious leaders in the three faiths. Trying to visualize the All Mighty in any other way is simply undoable, and results in a lack of faith-- in effect, an inability to "see" or "feel" God.

As I was reading, my first impression was that I've always thought of God in this external sense, as someone-- an all powerful, incomprehensible someone, but at the same time a someone I could talk to, say, while driving my car to work alone. I was wrong though. It never really occurred to me before that this kind of communication is really with an internal God. I'm talking to myself-- an inward voice (well, an inward silent listener really. When I talk, God never talks back), that I have created to feel more comfortable about believing in God.

At first, I was surprised by this realization, but then I thought of the alternative, of the existence of an all powerful being of unknown motivation who is watching me right now. Until I wrote that sentence, I couldn't put my finger on exactly why, but man that thought chilled me to the bone.

I'm going to bed.