Where is the Madness that you Promised me?
What are we doing?
I read what we write, and where are you now? Are you asleep? Can you sleep? Do you lie awake wondering when you'll find what you are looking for; the one you are looking for? How important is it to you? There has been so much frustration, watching your friends peel away in couples, feeling happy for them while feeling longing for yourself. So many tried and failed starts, and some few that made it aways before sputtering lifelessly by the side of the road, or worse, exploding spectacularly at 90 miles-per-hour. It's no wonder you're half scared to try again.
And yet there are signs everywhere, as I've said, if you know where to look for them-- more so if you reach and make them up. Sometimes all you need is a Karmic kick, set off by chasing a train down 30 miles of trackside highway with your name and number written on a little piece of paper, and then the signs are everywhere. The universe bends it's rules for you and the one you weren't brave enough to talk to at the dinner is at the brunch, and when you aren't brave enough there, you awake in your aisle seat midway on your flight home to see her walk by, and even if you aren't brave enough then, there she is at the baggage claim, finally in the same place as both you and your courage. Sometimes the universe sends chance hurtling at you in the form of an SUV that mangles your rear tail-light on the way to work. And when she gets out of the car by the side of the highway... wow. It's a strange way to get a number, I know.
You've told yourself before, perhaps, that you didn't need anyone, but that was out of melodrama. Your heart wasn't in it, but I've a secret for you. It's possible that you do need someone, and also that you will not find anyone at all. The universe owes you, at this point, exactly nothing. Do good things, fix yourself on your path and maybe it will start hurtling the right one in your way. It could work out, so long as your open your mind to it. Then again, it might not. It is possible for all our writing, for all our heartache and for all our puzzling and theories and suppositions that it's just not going to work and sure, this idea is scary as shit, but get used to it, because there it is. You must remember that the fate you want isn't guaranteed, but also that it's never too late to have it fulfilled until your gone. It could always show up tomorrow. Until then, it's important that you never compromise. As soon as you've done that, you risk driving that fate off forever. Remember this, for I will only tell you once, if it's not right, it's not right and stop trying to convince yourself that it may be so. If it's not ALL right, then go, no matter how good the rest of it is.
posted by David at 1:28 AM
13 Comments:
"All" is a tall order, a lot of pressure; perhaps it is elusive because it isn't what is meant to be found. Nothing is everything just as sometimes everything can be nothing. And sometimes while we're looking for new doors to All we overlook the ones we opened a crack but quickly closed when All didn't immediately appear through the darkness or what we saw inside didn't look the way we thought it would. Always be willing to compromise; never be willing to settle.
10:48 AM, October 25, 2006
I think you misunderstand me. In my mind, "compromise" and "settling" are the same thing. I think that what you are saying is that you need to keep an open mind and be able to recognize the difference between All that you think you want and All that you really need. If this is what you're talking about, then I agree with you 100%. As far as All being a tall order, and a lot of pressure, you're damn right it is. If it was easy, it probably wouldn't be worth it.
1:14 PM, October 25, 2006
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11:53 PM, October 25, 2006
compromise is generative. it is taking two different directions and coming up with one wholly new direction. but settling? settling doesn't create anything at all. i'm with anonymous.
(could i'm with anonymous be the name of our second band?)
11:54 PM, October 25, 2006
Thanks. I think what I meant more was that you can look and look for a needle in a haystack, but if the end goal is really to have something sharp, such a focused search will probably make you overlook a lot of stalks of hay could make you just as happy.
Also, you're right, things that are really worth it don't usually come easy. But I can't stop wondering if it is really so hard how come so many people i know have managed to find it- many of them more than once?
8:52 AM, October 26, 2006
here's the rub, how is spending two years as the OTHER lover not settling? How is holding tightly to that dysfunctional relationship as the "good" one not compromising? How do you know what "all" is when you weren't even half?
I'm not suggesting you can feel something for someone when you don't. But I am suggesting is what you did was settle and compromise in THAT relationship, perhaps you can't reconcile who you think you are and who you REALLY are.
You're a settler that compromised much of your well being to pursue the someone who happily, HAPPILY fucked with your mind. If you're lucky, you'll never find your "ALL" because what it appears you want is a mindfuck that makes you feel bad about yourself.
and that's tough love because I do think you're good people.
9:31 AM, October 27, 2006
Fair enough, but, there is a reason why I'm not in *that* relationship anymore and it's because I came to the same conclusions that you point out. Sure, it took me way to long to figure that out, and longer still to shake off the residue, but if you're reading this post as if I'm saying that I ever want to be in a situation like that again, then I guess I wasn't clear. That's not the type of madness that I'm looking for.
12:19 PM, October 27, 2006
And for the record:
Compromise: "n 1: a middle way between two extremes [syn: via media] 2: an accommodation in which both sides make concessions; "the newly elected congressmen rejected a compromise because they considered it `business as usual'" v 1: make a compromise; arrive at a compromise; "nobody will get everything he wants; we all must compromise" 2: settle by concession 3: expose or make liable to danger, suspicion, or disrepute; "The nuclear secrets of the state were compromised by the spy"
12:21 PM, October 27, 2006
But from reading your previous posts it sounds like you still refer to that relationship when defining All. Like All now is that relationship minus the mind (and other people) fucking. Maybe that's okay for you, maybe not. It bears exploration (for all of us, not just you).
2:33 PM, October 27, 2006
I'm fired up you were willing to consider my rather harsh opinion.
I submit allowing yourself to the other for 2 years qualifies as both these definitions of compromise:
settle by concession - you're a smart man and you had to have known in the moment, every moment, this was fucked up BUT you remained because you wanted the woman you thought she could be not the woman she is. You conceded to take her as you could have her rather than respect yourself and not get involved.
expose or make liable to danger, suspicion, or disrepute - yeah, this one needs no explanation.
you still pine for her, that's clear. a few months ago mimi reappeared in your blog with a sentimental tone and I thought "run steph, run!" and now you're waxing poetic about this "all" without really recognizing you've done exactly what you say you won't.
I suggest again: who you think you are (by your reflection here) and who you really are (the reality of your choices and actions) do not sync. having a conflict so internal, particularly one you're not willing to address, will keep you at an arm's length from the really positive and loving relationship you desire.
you're an awesome lover, a lot of fun to hang out with but MAN what a mess. I really hope you look inward for what's keeping you from the "all" because I'd love to see you get everything you want out of life.
4:10 PM, October 27, 2006
i'm gonna go ahead and ignore the dictionary and stick to my understanding, because even if it's wrong i find it useful. which is that to settle is when one or both people say, well, this isn't all we wanted but i guess it'll do. whereas to compromise is when both people together figure out a plan c, somewhere in between or entirely outside of their separate original plans. and i don't think you can have any sort of long term relationship without that kind of compromise. and i don't think it means you're settling.
9:11 PM, October 27, 2006
(part 2) and the point here in this post and its subsequent discussion being, when one person is settling, that person is really getting screwed (sometimes by choice). and it takes a huge toll. whereas compromise to me means you've arrived there in a conscious and deliberate way, so that everyone is getting the things they need for their personal sanity.
9:16 PM, October 27, 2006
I love this discussion!
I don't think we're far from the same understanding of compromise but there must then be external and internal compromise. External where you are one of two or more trying to reach the same goal as you describe. The other is internal, when you have a core value system in which externally you are tempted to take action that conflicts with those values. When you compromise your core values, I can see where the line between settling and compromise gets blurred, is the cup half full or half empty? Were you passive or active in your choice? (where compromise is active and settling is passive)
What i'm suggesting here is that david has compartmentalized his ideas about this "all" largely, from these blogs, based on a really really bad relationship. This "all" is a core value that he feels he must not compromise or settle on when relationships, long terms one, don't operate like that. There's no fluidity or flexibility is the "all" and to care about someone deeply, you have to be fluid and flexible.
So that is the basis for why I took david to the mat. His "all" is a ball of intangible qualities (pulled a filtered rose-colored view of that crappy situation), the compromise and settling he's talking about (i think) is when in a relationship, he wrestles internally that the intangibles aren't there. If it's not there, it's not there, sure. I'm suggesting he is right, he may never find what he's looking for but not for the reason he thinks. There is NO reason David shouldn't be in a wonderful, loving relationship. He's funny (albeit a little weird with the movie quoting), book smart and in instances outside of "love" is smart smart, he's adventurous and energetic, he's handsome and always up for just about anything. Super duper awesome catch. The only thing holding him back is him. He's human, to be sure, but he's so close to a fix, I was hoping to point him a more productive direction. :)
10:13 AM, October 28, 2006
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