You. Especially you.

What I told you tonight, in my halting conversation that you made me bumble through on my own with little help and no emotional support, was that I felt you had withdrawn. I told you that I wasn't quite sure why, but that you had hinted it was about where I was with my career, and maybe about money. I told you about what I wanted and where I felt I was going, and you listened calmly and picked that apart before letting me know that you didn't even think that was the issue. What it was, in the end, was that you just didn't want me enough. You knew it, you guessed, but hadn't really admitted it, because you weren't sure why. I was polite, getting this answer out of you. I had to lead you to it and that was disappointing. I was not critical though, I was understanding and I said that I had fun and that I would miss you.

What I did not say and wanted to is that was shit. When you come on strong like you did, and keep up with the wanting and talking about the future and big things and allowing dreams and hopes to happen, you have a certain responsibility to the feelings that you breed. You don't just withdraw for ten days emotionally and physically and then make me draw it out of you. You don't tell me that I've ruined sex with anyone else for you. You don't keep acting ever so slightly jealous (in that new relationship way) of women and past loves when it's you who has one foot out the door. You don't omit. It is lying, it is crap and I expected better of you. What I liked in you in the start was the honest, up-front attitude you wore on your sleeve, and if you think being emotionally dead with me while you make me break up with you because *you* don't want *me* enough has any resemblance to being honest and upfront, then you are not the person I thought you were. I did not think that you would be one of the ones who broke up with me by making me suffer until I had to say the words myself, though even as I write this, I remember times that I had done the same and that mitigates my anger. Still, even when I made that mistake with another's heart, I didn't come on so strong. I tried to be clear about my intentions, rather then trying to hide them while someone else figured them out. You disappoint me, but at least I know you were not worth the years that I wondered.

I hate that you made me feel like shit, that you made me feel little right up to the end while you made yourself out to be the one who was strong and unshakeable, but as much as it may be difficult to believe in this moment, I know what true strength looks like, and I know what cowardice is. You are a coward, and that I didn't see this and allowed myself to fall for you nevertheless hurts me most of all.