Routine

Perhaps you know this one. Wake up early despite not wanting to get out of bed. My stomach twists itself into knots and I tell myself it's hunger, but I have no appetite. I get myself ready and I force myeslf to eat, though probably not enough. I will be distracted today and only the things I absolutely must get done will receive any focus. For these I will marshall my strength and plow through, and while they seem an annoyance at the time, I will be thankful to have them.

I will falter between wanting to be alone and needing to get out with friends to take my mind off things. In both situations I will decide that the other would be better. I will wait obsessively and quietly for a phone call, text or email that may or may not come. It probably won't. I will think that it would be best, should it come, to not take the bait and to let the email be unreturned or tell the caller that she should not call anymore, but whether or not this will be possible I do not know.

I will think about what I would like to say to her constantly, trying to phrase it in a way that is kind, but always coming back to my anger and hurt. I will wonder how much of why I hurt is artificial, of my creation, and how much of it really was her not treating me right. Much of me will hope that this isn't who she is, that it was temporary and won't happen again and maybe that's true, but it happened, I will tell myself, and once was enough. Would it be better for me to tell her off to make myself feel better, or is that wrong?

All this will happen and I will sit and watch it, partly detached from the knots in my stomach and the steady screech in the back of my head and wonder when the fuck it will go on and be over so I can move back into myself and carry on. I think, hopefully this time, not too long.