I miss her today. Intensely.

Last night, I ran into her friend at the Turf club, and we chatted. He has no idea, of course, that I dated her (did I mention that it was a big secret she kept from everyone?) and probably has no idea that we're not talking anymore, so he talked about her a lot, and her girlfriend. They've moved into my neighborhood. They're knocking down walls, re-arranging, moving in and making a life. This shouldn't surprise me-- doesn't surprise me-- but I still don't want to hear about it.

It hurts to miss her. It makes me feel sick to think about her, to want her to call but want, even more, to stop the wanting, knowing that the only way to get there to is not have her call, not see her and not talk to her day after day. This twists my stomach in knots sometimes, this caring and wanting so badly not to anymore. I was feeling so good, and now I feel so messed up. I woke in the middle of the night and vomited violently. I only had 4 drinks and, while I probably over-ate a little as well, I don't think that getting sick was entirely physical. Semi-conscious and heaving into the bowl, dream-stuff still in my head-- senseless stuff-- save that I remember that it was about a woman, and lies, and betrayal.

...and again, though this time indirectly, she spoils what was supposed to be my big day.